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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25310992">In the low lamp light, I was free</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesunsethour/pseuds/thesunsethour'>thesunsethour</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Light Angst, Mutual Pining, Post-Episode s09e14 200, Post-Episode s10e11 The Forever People, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Season/Series 09, an exploration into JJ's ptsd after her kidnapping, basically JJ drives Emily to the airport and they Talk</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 02:08:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,045</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25310992</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesunsethour/pseuds/thesunsethour</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Emily grew serious after a second and stared at JJ with a gaze that she found she was unable to profile.  Inside Emily’s eyes were multitudes; lives led, and battles won, and JJ wanted to know every detail, however miniscule.  She knew that it was the exhaustion that was letting such deeply concealed thoughts seep through to the front of her consciousness, but she quickly realised that she didn’t care.</p><p>**</p><p>In the aftermath of JJ's kidnapping, she needs something to hold on to.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jennifer "JJ" Jareau &amp; Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>123</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The soft muttering of the car radio was lowered to a whisper by hands that still felt too cold.  JJ pulled her sweater sleeves back over them when the sound was low enough that Emily could answer her phone in peace.</p><p>Although JJ could see Emily’s mouth moving in her peripheral vision, no words passed through her ears.  She stared through the windshield, at the raindrops racing to reach the bottom, at the darkened sky on the horizon illuminated by stars, at everything instead of the large illuminous airport sign that said ‘Departures’.  The light from it seemed to dull all of her other senses, and she winced slightly, coughing afterwards in an attempt to mask it.</p><p>Nearly as soon as the call started, it ended.  Emily sighed, which sounded more like a groan and culminated in her tipping her head back against the passenger seat, eyes closed in exasperation.</p><p>“London falling apart without you?” JJ asked, after several seconds of debating whether or not it was wise to speak at all.  Her voice still felt scratchy from screaming, and she was hesitant to break the safety of the silence that enveloped the two of them.</p><p>JJ could nearly feel the soft smile that took over Emily’s face herself, and the turn of the other woman’s head towards her was enough to draw her eyes away from the windshield.<br/>
“If I wasn’t there I think they’d end up in Lisbon instead of Lebanon.”</p><p>JJ huffed a laugh at this, not at all surprised when she found she could see her breath in front of her.  She vaguely heard Emily mutter something about a new task force, and once again JJ felt her throat swell up at the reminder that the lives they led were now so different, and so very far apart.  There was once a time where they, along with the rest of the BAU, lived in each other’s pockets.  Over the past few years, between Ian Doyle and the CIA and the Middle East and London and Paris and a million other things determined to keep them apart, JJ had accepted the fact that never again could she return to the times when Emily was a constant in her life.  She had learned to treasure these small moments with her, however fleeting.</p><p>“-Jayje?”</p><p>JJ jumped slightly in her seat, silently cursing herself for becoming too entangled in her own thoughts to pay attention to Emily, now of all times, when they only had mere minutes before she had to leave.</p><p>“I’m sorry.  I’m just really tired.”</p><p>Emily’s eyes softened, and JJ felt her heart skip a beat.</p><p>“I was just saying that you didn’t have to drive me to the airport.  Thank you.”</p><p>JJ shook her head and leaned in closer, trying to ignore the shine of Emily’s dark hair and the curve of her mouth.  “I think if you let Morgan drive you you’d have ended up in a ditch.”</p><p>Emily snorted, and then chuckled aloud.  “He was pretty drunk alright, I think he and Garcia both started crying when I said it was time to leave.”</p><p>JJ laughed because Emily laughed, but inside she knew that the only thing stopping her from crying as well was the fact that she was, thankfully, stone cold sober.</p><p>Emily grew serious after a second and stared at JJ with a gaze that she found she was unable to profile.  Inside Emily’s eyes were multitudes; lives led, and battles won, and JJ wanted to know every detail, however miniscule.  She knew that it was the exhaustion that was letting such deeply concealed thoughts seep through to the front of her consciousness, but she quickly found that she didn’t care.</p><p>“JJ, you won’t be okay.”</p><p>JJ blinked in confusion, eyes hardening and lines appearing between her eyebrows.</p><p>“I know you worry about all of us, but- “</p><p>Emily cut her off.  “That’s not what I’m talking about.  You’re going to feel fine for a while after this, safe and thankful that you’re home.  You’re going to kiss Will and cuddle with Henry, and it will feel like everything is fine.  But one day, you will have a bad day.  A day when all you can think about is the coldness of that room and the pain in your arms.  And- “</p><p>Emily’s eyes, which JJ still hadn’t been able to look away from, filled with tears.</p><p>“-And you will need someone to talk to.”</p><p>“Who was your person?”, JJ found herself asking, a feeling of immense guilt washing over her.  Emily had been hurting, during her brief return to the BAU, and JJ hadn’t even known.</p><p>“Hotch.  He noticed that I was struggling because he recognised it from himself.  God, JJ, I never wanted to have this conversation with you.  You’re so- “</p><p>Emily stopped herself, and her head hung low.  JJ reached out, slowly at first but then with a determination that startled her.  She gripped Emily’s hand tight, treasuring the warmth her soft palms provided.</p><p>“You’re so good, JJ.  And I’m sorry this happened to you.”</p><p>“I’m sorry too.”</p><p>Emily’s phone buzzed again, but she promptly switched it off.</p><p>“JJ, there’s something I want to show you.”</p><p>Reluctantly, JJ let go of Emily’s hand, immediately missing the soothing motion of Emily’s thumb moving back and forth over her bruised knuckles.  This thought was instantly obliterated, however, by what happened next.</p><p>Emily promptly unzipped her jacket, and in a similarly smooth motion, discarded her warm burgundy jumper.  It was only when she was down to her black vest underneath that JJ’s mouth caught up with her brain, which was screaming at her.</p><p>“Emily! What- “</p><p>“Shh.”</p><p>JJ didn’t have to be told twice.  Her entire being was focused on Emily’s arms, muscled yet soft, the curve of her neck and her collarbones were perfect, oh so perfect, and JJ’s eyes darted over them, determined to commit every freckle and blemish to memory.</p><p>It reminded her of 2007, of travelling on the jet to some random town.  Emily was new, and gorgeous, and JJ spent far too many flights home staring at her curls.  She used to curl her hair, and JJ used to sneak glances, and everything used to be easy.</p><p>Oh, she loved Will, and Henry was her entire world.  But there would forever be a part of her, a not-so-insignificant part of her, that couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened in one of those crappy motel rooms in a town in the middle of nowhere if JJ had only had enough nerve.</p><p>“JJ?”</p><p>Emily once again broke her out of her thoughts, and JJ blinked and nodded her head, despite not having followed anything that Emily might have said in the past few minutes.</p><p>“Look here.”</p><p>Emily had lifted up the bottom of her vest, revealing her abdomen, and JJ’s pulse quickened before the blood in her veins turned ice cold.  It was littered in scars, thick and thin and heart-breaking.</p><p>“Emily- “</p><p>JJ’s voice was soft and wavering, as she reached out to trace one of them.  Before she could, however, Emily lifted the vest an inch more, and it was revealed.</p><p>It was a tattoo.  A small, but gracious blackbird.  It didn’t cover any of her scars, instead it seemed to be soaring between them, like they were branches of a tree.  JJ unconsciously felt her hand trace over it, admiring the minimalist style, the outstretched wings, the pure unadulterated beauty of it.</p><p>“I know I’m thousands of miles away, but you’re always with me, Jennifer Jareau.”</p><p>“You’re right here”, JJ said stupidly.  She knew what Emily meant, that even in London the tattoo linked them, and she could just cry from the tenderness of it, but…</p><p>But Emily was here right now, for a few more seconds.  A few more precious seconds.</p><p>Emily didn’t say a word, but placed a kiss on JJ’s temple, then her cheek, her chin, her nose, the edge of her mouth, just missing her lips, just avoiding what would make it all too real.</p><p>That last kiss lingered, and JJ felt a tear slide down her cheek.</p><p>Emily kissed that too.</p><p>And before JJ could think properly again Emily had her jumper back on and her jacket in her arms, reaching behind her to grab her go-bag.</p><p>Neither one of them said goodbye.  Emily squeezed JJ’s still-frozen hands and left for the other side of the world.</p><p>A blackbird flying with her.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Trashy Motel Rooms</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>2007 was a simpler time, unbeknownst to them in the moment.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So I wanted to do a direct continuation (ish) from the first chapter but this flashback was screaming at me to be written, so please enjoy this little bit of mid season-2 jemily</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lewistown, Montana.  February 2007.</p><p>The incessant clanking of the dying heater in their motel room could be heard from the other end of the corridor, and JJ sighed deeply before making the trek toward the noise.  Prepping for tomorrow morning’s press conference had taken much longer than she had anticipated, and as a result her return to the world’s cheapest, most remote motel was significantly delayed.</p><p>The rest of the team had long retired to their respective rooms, and JJ attempted to be as quiet as possible while searching for the key to the room she was sharing with Emily, who no doubt would still be awake.  Perhaps she was going over the preliminary profile one more time, or maybe she was drying her hair.  It had rained from sunrise to sunset today, and left the team soaked to the skin.  JJ wondered if Emily would straighten her hair this evening, and secretly hoped she wouldn’t.  She hadn’t curled her hair during their previous case in Georgia, but yesterday when she arrived in the briefing room it was flowing on her shoulders in loose yet deliberate waves, and JJ couldn’t really tell when she began noticing Emily’s hair care habits, except that she obviously had.</p><p>Her thoughts were quite rudely interrupted by a door slamming into her forehead.</p><p>“Oh my god, JJ, I’m so sorry!”</p><p>The voice of Emily Prentiss, slightly worried, floated through the air.  JJ winced more for show than for pain and brought her free hand up to where the door made contact.</p><p>“What kind of motel has doors that open outwards?”</p><p>Realising that JJ was more annoyed at the door than at Emily, the newer profiler allowed herself to laugh, a sound that JJ had instantly been drawn to when she first heard it when Emily joined the BAU last November.  She heard it more often nowadays, as she settled into the dynamics of the team, and it never failed to bring a smile to her own face.  At least when said face hadn’t just been smacked by a door.</p><p>Grumbling slightly about missing DC, JJ slid past Emily and into their shared room, which, despite the best efforts of the heater in the corner, was positively freezing.  She collapsed face-forward on the bed closest to the curtain-covered window and let out a dramatic sigh.  Emily chuckled, and sat down cross-legged on the other bed.</p><p>“Reporters are the bane of my existence.  You’d think the hardest part of this job would be the serial killers, but no.  Its reporters that do stupid things like christening our unsub ‘The Sizzling Slasher.”</p><p>“Sizzling?”</p><p>“Don’t even get me started.”</p><p>JJ could hear the springs of Emily’s bed groan and then footsteps softy treading toward her.  A dip in the mattress by her hipbones incentivised her to sit up, and then the two of them were sitting across from each other, criss-cross applesauce, and JJ had to stop her eyes from trailing down to where their knees touched.  She then had to stop herself from giggling, because Emily was wearing pyjama bottoms with what looked like cartoon aliens on them.</p><p>“Did your laundry get mixed up with Spence’s?”</p><p>Emily’s brow scrunched up, before her cheeks turned red and a quick explanation was given; something about a series of sci-fi books she loved, and how the author was reinventing the genre from the ground up.  JJ hardly understood a word, not particularly caring about what Emily was talking about, but caring very much about how her eyes lit up as she spoke.  How, for just a few seconds, her entire body seemed lighter, and more free.</p><p>“…although I’m certain Reid probably has a pair too.  I was chatting to him and Morgan about it over dinner.”</p><p>“Morgan likes cartoon alien sci-fi books?”</p><p>“Morgan likes the actress that’s due to play the heroine in the movie version.”</p><p>“Ah.”</p><p>And then they were giggling, and JJ could almost imagine them as high schoolers.  They would finish school and go back to her house, and spend hours gossiping on her bed.  They would watch movies, and JJ would force Emily to watch a rom-com, and in turn Emily would insist on some obscure and underground film that she fell in love with while living in Italy.  Emily would roll her eyes at the rom-com, but cry at the end, and JJ would pretend to watch the random Italian film, but would instead inch closer to her friend on the bed-</p><p>As Emily was doing to her now.</p><p>“You’ve got a bruise forming.”</p><p>Emily reached out her hand, before stopping halfway.  It hung in the air, an unanswered question.</p><p>JJ nodded.</p><p>And then Emily’s hand was caressing her face, fingers inching up her right cheek, travelling toward the bump on her forehead.  JJ didn’t want to close her eyes, didn’t want to miss a single second of this moment, but felt herself do so instinctively, as the soft touches calmed her mind.  Emily’s fingers were dancing across her face now, gentle, and hesitant, and JJ leaned into the precious touch.  She could hear the other woman’s breath hitch slightly, and the touches stopped as quick as they had begun.</p><p>But before JJ could reopen her eyes, she felt a pressure on her forehead.  It was light and beautiful, and she had waited for it for so long, and yet it lasted for so short a time.  She wanted so desperately for another kiss.  She wanted Emily to kiss her temple again.  To kiss her cheek, her chin, her nose, her mouth.  She wanted to kiss Emily back.  She wanted…</p><p>She wanted.  So badly.</p><p>This want seized her very being, and when JJ felt Emily’s hand on her face again, she twisted her neck ever so slightly, so she could place a kiss on the inside of Emily’s wrist.  If JJ had more courage, it would have lasted longer.  If-</p><p>Their moment was interrupted by the heater in the corner giving an ungodly screech, and the two women jumped apart, the serenity shared between them shattering.</p><p>“God, I hate that thing.”</p><p>JJ wished Emily hadn’t spoken, wished they could have just ignored the useless contraption in the corner and continued doing whatever it was they were doing, allowing it to lead to wherever it was destined to lead.</p><p>But Emily excused herself to finish straightening her hair, and JJ cursed inwardly, getting changed quickly before Emily came out of the bathroom.  Their normal routine followed, with JJ brushing her teeth while Emily organised her clothes for the next day.  Then Emily would brush her teeth, while JJ laid out the paperwork she would need first thing tomorrow morning; all done in an effort to allow themselves as long a sleep-in as possible while looking for a rapidly devolving psychopath.</p><p>JJ was the first one to collapse into bed, and promptly wrapped her duvet around her, in an attempt to retain any body heat at all.  Her entire being felt frozen, apart from the right side of her temple, which felt like fire.  Not from pain, but from the lips of the woman who was currently turning off her bedside lamp, plunging the room into darkness.<br/>It was quiet for a few moments, and yet JJ knew that they were both still awake.  The silence felt like a dare; a dare for one of them to shatter it into infinite pieces.  JJ thought back to the single kiss she gave.  It was short, too short, and cowardly.  She should have-</p><p>She should have-</p><p>“You know, if the only injury sustained on this case is a bruised forehead then I think we’re improving.”</p><p>JJ know that she was referencing their last case in Georgia, when Emily had found her in that godforsaken barn, with those dogs.  Dead.  Shot dead by her.  The dogs were dead, and Spence was missing, and JJ felt as if she would never again be able to breathe.</p><p>It scared her sometimes, just how much she relied on her team.  Just how much she loved them.  After her sister died, all those years ago, JJ wasn’t sure if she would be able to care for someone the same way again, if she were ever going to be capable of replicating the love she felt for her.  But then Garcia breezed into her life, all pink glasses, and wacky pens.  Morgan too, although it was more a strut that a breeze, and with him came easy laughs and soft smiles.  Spence… God, Spence was her best friend, her little brother, and she could see him hurting, cracking at the edges, and it hurt her too.  Hotch and Gideon were tough, stern, but they had such a wealth of compassion inside of them that it sometimes stunned JJ with its intensity, and Emily-</p><p>Emily was-</p><p>Emily was once again getting up from her bed, and with trepidation evident in her footsteps, was walking towards JJ, slinking under her covers.</p><p>“Shared body heat is probably justifiable considering, our uh, heater situation.”</p><p>JJ was so damn tired, after the long plane ride and the even longer day that followed, but she willed herself to stay awake a few moments more, to ask one final question.</p><p>“Where were you going when you opened the door that hit me?  You came straight back inside.”</p><p>“I was going to look for you.”</p><p>JJ knew her meeting had run overtime, but it wasn’t unusual, considering her role.</p><p>“I was at the precinct, not that far.”</p><p>JJ’s eyes were fluttering closed at this stage, and she yawned into the pillow.  Dreams awaited her, and a long sleep to accompany them.  They were meaningless dreams; about some random vacation from when she was a kid.</p><p>It was strange though, that when she woke the next morning she couldn’t quite remember how Emily fitted into them.  She must have, because JJ could remember Emily’s voice, clear as day, saying “Any distance is too far, Jennifer Jareau.”</p><p>She must have been dreaming.</p><p>Yes.  She must have been because the last thing they talked about last night was police precincts.</p><p>A dream.</p><p>But, God, if JJ didn’t dream for it and more.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Soaring Free</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Life is never perfect, but that doesn't mean it is over.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello!! A couple little things before we begin!!</p><p>Emily doesn't actually appear in this chapter (although she is, of course, mentioned throughout).  This is because as I was writing this I found myself taking a deeper dive in JJ's psyche, and her experiences with PTSD that I believe could have been delved into in slightly greater detail in the show.  (That's why I wanted a flashback in the chapter before - because this one is slightly heavier and more focused on the struggles that JJ is facing)</p><p>But if anyone wants a story about Emily's side of things just gimme a shout</p><p>Enjoy!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Quantico, Virginia.  January 2015.</p><p>JJ shut her former office door firmly behind her, determined to keep the ghost of Tivon Askari as far away from her as possible.  She almost laughed; she had been working with the Behavioural Analysis Unit for ten years now, and the depravity that people were capable of still came as a shock to her, even after all this time.</p><p>Almost unconsciously, JJ found herself walking into the briefing room, letting her hand trace the circumference of the round table as she strolled by it, until she stopped in front of the screen at the head of the room.  She had lost count of the number of cases she had presented to the team here during her time as Media Liaison, and she couldn’t even fathom trying to put a number to the amount of cases she had heard from Garcia since officially becoming a profiler.</p><p>Ten years spent staring at dead and mutilated bodies, and it never gets any easier.</p><p>In fact, JJ mused angrily, it had only gotten worse.</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>JJ spun around, nearly dropping her go-bag that was slung over her shoulder and instinctively reaching for the gun attached at her hip.  She closed her eyes in relief and lowered her weapon when she realized that it was only Spence, who was leaning slightly on the doorframe, arms raised in a show of non-aggression.</p><p>“You scared me.”</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>“You said that already, what are you sorry for?”</p><p>He moved to sit down in his regular chair at the table, and JJ, suddenly finding herself incredibly exhausted from the day, sat across from him.</p><p>“If the file on Tivon Askari did more harm than good.  I was grabbing a coffee before I left and noticed your old office light was still on.  Just wanted to make sure you were okay.”<br/>JJ couldn’t help but smile.  Only he could get a coffee at ten past midnight before leaving work that should have ended four or so hours ago.  It was comforting, in a way; the knowledge that although they have all been irrevocably changed over the past ten years, some things stayed exactly the same.</p><p>“I’m not sure whether it helped yet, but I don’t think it did any damage.”</p><p>He nodded in response but said no more.  JJ wondered if that was where their conversation was going to be left, a middle ground with no solution.  She knew, logically, that this feeling inside of her had no easy solution, and that the existence of a black and white world was a child’s fantasy.  It didn’t make it hurt any less, though.</p><p>“You need something to hold on to.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Spencer’s words shocked her out of her thoughts, and she looked at him with furrowed brows.</p><p>“Its hard to explain – it doesn’t have to be exactly physical.  But I’ve found it useful to have something to tether you to reality when everything starts to get a bit… much”</p><p>“Oh, like dilaudid?”</p><p>And JJ hated herself just then.  Hated the sharpness that accompanied her words, and the pain that flashed in her best friend’s eyes at the reminder of his struggles.  Most of all she hated, with a vicious passion, what this trauma was turning her into.  She recalled the words of Tivon Askari, or at least, her hallucination of him.  He promised that he would change her so completely that she would be unrecognisable, even to herself.  She couldn’t, wouldn’t let that happen.</p><p>“I’m so sorry- “</p><p>“It’s alright.  You weren’t completely wrong.”</p><p>JJ’s heart skipped a beat, and she felt every inch of her body turn cold with fear.  Spencer must have noticed, and quickly tripped over his words in explanation.</p><p>“No!  No, not like that.  Never that.  Its- It is related though.  I mean- Its- “</p><p>He stopped trying then, and instead reached deep into his trouser pocket, pulling out a seemingly innocuous coin.  A nod of his head prompted JJ to reach across and grab it with slightly shaking hands.  It was golden and worn and engraved, and along the top it said, ‘One Year’.</p><p>“I’ve had this for seven years now, and I never go anywhere without it.”</p><p>He stooped over suddenly, reaching into his bag that was on the floor.  After a few seconds of rumbling through his belongings, he slid a book onto the table as well.  JJ didn’t recognise the title, but it was obvious that Spencer treasured it.  The front cover was slightly worn, but the pages inside looked to be in pristine condition.</p><p>“A couple weeks before Maeve was killed we had arranged to meet at a restaurant.  It turned out to be too dangerous, but she left me this present.  I had gotten her the exact same book.”</p><p>His soft explanation halted slightly, and JJ looked up from the book to see him staring at it also, with a look of untainted love in his eyes.</p><p>“I always carry these.  As a sort of reminder, I guess.  If I can last seven years, I can last another day.  If the love between me and Maeve wasn’t real, how could we know each other so intimately, so perfectly?”</p><p>And suddenly JJ was angry, not at him, but at his stubborn brain.</p><p>“Of course your love was real!  How could you think it wasn’t?  Because you never… what, kissed her?  Being in love is so much more than that.”</p><p>And then Spence was nodding along, agreeing with her, and rambling about how he himself came to that conclusion a few months after her death.  But to her chagrin, JJ found she wasn’t listening.  Her own words seemed to hover in the air, staring her in the face.  Daring her to make the connection.  Being in love is so much more than a kiss on the lips.  It is so much more than that.  That love is trashy motel rooms in 2007 and complaining about reporters.  That love is the jet on the long flight to Paris, with uncertainty sinking into their bones.  It’s the car ride to the airport.  Black hair, sometimes with a fringe.  Being in love is-</p><p>“…Emily agrees with me, by the way, and-“</p><p>“Emily?”</p><p>Spence looked her in the eyes, soft amusement gracing his features.</p><p>“Emily agrees with me, that you need someone to talk to, and something to hold on to.”</p><p>JJ, desperate to think about something else, anything else, racked her brain for a question to ask, to set Spencer on another ramble that she could lose herself in.</p><p>“Who was your person?  To talk to?”</p><p>But that was the wrong question to ask.  Although Spence was explaining at several thousand miles an hour that for dilaudid it was his sponsor, someone high up in the FBI that was of course going to remain anonymous, and that for Maeve it was Rossi, who had so recently, so tragically, lost his first wife, JJ was sucked back into her own thoughts.</p><p>Unbidden, a memory stirred.  Emily, sitting to her right, the space between them illuminated by the glowing ‘Departures’ sign.  Her voice, so unique, so soft, telling her that she would need someone to talk to.  Emily, who was sarcastic and witty and kind and good.  Emily, who had gotten a blackbird tattoo after the worst experience of her life, just to remind herself of JJ.  To give her something to hold on to-</p><p>
  <i>Oh.</i>
</p><p>And suddenly JJ was tearing up, and she heard the comforting sounds of Spencer rambling being replaced with concern.  She brushed him off and stood up, smiling although her eyes were red.</p><p>“If I ever have a bad day, can I talk to you?”</p><p>Emily had said that talking to someone who recognised what you were going through helped.  Hotch, who had so recently had his life destroyed by Foyet, had stepped up after Emily had hers destroyed by Doyle.  If there was anyone on the team who knew that it was like to be held, tied, and beaten, it was Spence.  And that knowledge hurt her, but it also made her feel safe.</p><p>Spencer answered with a nod, and JJ smiled again.</p><p>She had her team, she had her family, she had her best friend.</p><p>There was only one more thing she needed.</p><p>--</p><p>The tattoo parlour that JJ strolled into a few weeks later was positively miniscule.  It was situated at the end of a cramped street in some random town in Missouri.  There were no flashy signs announcing it.  In fact, only the low lamp light on the street illuminated JJ’s way.  She was lucky to get this chance.  The team had a case there that, miraculously, ended rather quickly and bloodlessly.  It gave her an evening off before the flight home to do an important job.</p><p>The tattoo artist raised pierced eyebrows in shock when she rolled up her shirt, revealing the electrical burn on her abdomen.  He quickly recovered, however, and started in on the design.  JJ had always imagined herself spending hours agonising over a decision like this.  If she were going to ink something permanently on her body, she would want it to be perfect.  If there was anything she had learned, however, in the past year, the past decade, it was that perfection was an impossibility.</p><p>Oh, many things in life came close.  Her memory flashed with snippets of laughter and early morning breakfasts, tight hugs and clouds high in the sky.  She thought of the black hair that accompanied each moment, and how despite how long it had been since she had seen it in person, she could still smell the luxury shampoo that Emily swore by.</p><p>JJ was married.  Happily.  Love came in many forms, and what she felt for Will was certainly love.  He made her feel good, and safe, and present.  Henry was the light of her life, and took precedence above all else, no questions asked.  Her adorable little baby star, whose smile missed his front teeth and whose hair was as bright as hers.  Tivon Askari had taken away Henry’s little brother or sister, and JJ still physically ached whenever she thought about it.  Despite all she had, so much was taken from her, and it was impossible not to feel angry.</p><p>There were days, impossibly long days, the ones Emily had warned her about, where she felt broken.  Days where her brain screeched at her, loud as a faulty motel heater, that nothing in life, not even her precious family, would allow her to feel whole again.  These were the days that perfection mocked her.  She knew from the outside that all looked well, a young husband and wife, with their gorgeous little boy.  Perfection was an illusion, and a cruel one.</p><p>Emily was too cold sometimes, compartmentalizing so much of herself that JJ struggled to see below the surface.  She was impossibly stubborn and self-sacrificing, and it terrified JJ to no end.</p><p>JJ missed her.</p><p>She missed her fringe, her turtleneck jumpers, her sharp nose, and her rosy cheeks.  She missed the curve of her lips.  She missed Emily, and life would never be prefect.</p><p>But that didn’t mean life had to be over.</p><p>The buzzing of the needle stopped, and JJ stared down at her abdomen.</p><p>It was simple and minimalist, a small blackbird in flight.  But while Emily’s was on the right side of her body, and flying west, JJ’s was on the left, and flying east.</p><p>And at night, when she dreamed, she imagined them flying to each other, and meeting halfway across the Atlantic.</p><p>Two broken blackbirds, but they could still soar.</p><p>Maybe that’s what being in love was.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>That's the end of this little piece!! A story in three parts; 2014 Jemily post-200, 2007-Jemily post-revelations and pre-Will and finally 2015 Jemily post-'the forever people' linked by a blackbird tattoo</p><p>Hope you enjoyed!! I absolutely loved writing their dynamic and I hope I did them justice.  (I tried so desperately to make Emily fit into this last chapter but unfortunately it just didn't feel right - the JJ &amp; Reid dynamic is a gorgeous one to explore as well and I loved writing these PLATONIC BESTIES (lmao sorry that was salty)</p><p>Since I'm down a criminal minds rabbithole hopefully I'll write more team dynamics because one thing I love about this show is how well-developed and loving every one of the relationships between team members are.</p><p>anyway im rambling ill let ye go peace out</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>me before watching 200: idk if im a big jemily fan</p><p>me after watching 200: oh,, 0oh okay. ohkay.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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